Project Jaberr

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Product launches are awesome, you rub shoulders/meet/see people you normally wouldn’t meet on the streets unless they are on twitter. This particular setup was remarkable, interactive, and enjoyable in general a nice ambiance to spend the evening. I check in suited up, single and ready to work (I was on assignment). First order business…

The ladies were hot I mean red hot pepper; I say a few hellos here and there. Having traversed Nairobi for a better part of the afternoon, I feel thirsty, ahhh! There is the bar. The barman was flipping bottles, serving the guests drinks and the names of the drinks sounded so divine (sadly I can’t remember any) I walk to the counter thinking “Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred”

FBA – Forced British Accent

Barman: What are you having sir?

Leaning on the counter, lifting up my eye brow, cough…

Me (FBA): What non-alcoholic drink do you have?

The barman seems a bit stunned, coincidentally the music also stops playing, I repeat myself (FBA gone).

Me: Ehhh… what non-alcoholic drinks can you serve me?

The Dj plays the glass breaking drop, I kid you not I heard the alcoholic drinks behind the counter in an ensemble “You used to be thirsty for me…” plus I think the barman wanted to reach over and slap me, but he was a sport and served me a chilled glass of juice mixed with mint leaves, the top of the glass covered in sugar. I graciously sip my drink as the event progresses.

Anyway I’m having a good time licking the sugar from the glass, when I see a wonderful, exquisite lady. Time seems to stand still or moves in slow mo, a mini stare down follows as she walk by, I literally could have chewed my glass of juice, her smile was the equivalent of opening a box of hot fresh pizza and feeling that raw flavor on your senses. I gulped the remainder of my drink, prepped and choose a trajectory to project jaberr.

Jaberr and I have a chat, she’s a business lady enjoying the evening. She enquires what I do and I’m like darn it I’m on assignment. I explain what I do and she smiles, I guess it because my composure and words aren’t in sync. Jaberr is very cute and her smile renders me defenseless, yawa nyako ni liet ka pas (this girl is hot like an iron box.) As she speaks I’m thinking…

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xq0631_funniest-nigeria-movie-scene-sam-loco-i-want-to-harvest-you_fun&start=50

Unfortunately I need to depart, I exit as Jaberr mentions we shall meet again and all I’m thinking is how soon.

A #Nduthi In Time…

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I learn new things and information whenever I meet new people. It’s somewhat an impressive union of cool and sexy (I.e. cool people and sexy Information) At the beginning of the week, I learnt I have a not so impressive sense of direction. I checked into a KBS (Kenya Bus Service) wait I’m getting ahead of myself. I left the diggs quite early; you know around six in the a.m. headed for the city center, I was on a mission to get to my destination on time.

It takes about eighteen minutes and I’m in the city center, I feel pretty swell so I head to the bus stage spot a bus and hop right in, I make my way to a seat, some swagger in my step, slow motion in my body movements, I turn and flash my smolder at a lovely lady while listening to The Man by Aloe Blacc,

“Well you can tell everybody

Yeah you can tell everybody

Go ahead and tell everybody

I’m the man, I’m the man, I’m the man”

Hmmm! I was definitely “The Man” who boarded the wrong bus, I realized when it seemed to be taking the same route I just left, I was heading back home (pause the music).

facepalm

I could… should have disembarked but I dramatized my entrance into the vehicle. To save face I looked at my phone as though the venue of the meeting had been changed and asked to be dropped at Airtel. I’m sure the guy sitting next to me suspected I got into the wrong bus because he made an effort to clarify where I was headed.

Cool Guy: Mahali utashuka ni Airtel, na karibu na hapo ni Balozi iko South B…

Where you are getting off is at Airtel, nearby is Balozi it’s in South B

Me: Asanti sana

Thank you very much

I make an effort to look outside, tough luck am smack in the middle of the isle, darn this sitting arrangement

CG: Alafu unaeza chukua mat za South B, zitakufikisha tao…

Then you can take South B matatu’s they will take you into town.

Me: ehhh Asanti

Maybe a counter response to the Cool Guy would have been warranted but I felt my smolder took a bruise after the lovely lady turned and heard me asking where the bus was headed. I eventually alighted and speed walked to Balozi. I spotted a couple of Nduthi’s at the balozi stage, I’m not a fan of nduthi’s, they actually terrify me, all manner of possibilities that can/could/may happen but I feel I’m running late and it’s a now or never decision.

I negotiate the price with the nduthi conductor (who is also the driver). After a bit of back and forth the price is just right. It takes about seven minutes to reach my destination (that is very sexy information), I’m early for the meeting, there is enough time to high five the nduthi conductor (well more like in my mind), resume the music and put the swagger back into my walk.

“…I’m the man

Go ahead and tell everybody what I’m saying y’all

I’m the man

Go ahead and tell everybody what I’m saying y’all…”

Ps: Nduthi is a motobike

My Estranged Relation with Institutions

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*PS: This article has nothing to do with banking at all*

You get up in the morning, stretching and yawning dreams (sweet or bitter, depends on your supper), as the day progresses smoothly, you think “Today looks like it’s going to be a good day.” Out of nowhere, karma conspires to rob you of joy, disrupting your tranquil moment of bliss.

There isn’t any lost love between me and various institutions, monetary patronage is offered regularly, expectation wise, a little customer service is all I want plus if they can throw in a smile, it would be awesome (the unattainable utopia.) I walk into the said institution and get wonderful service, making enquiries here and there, moving from one station to the next, all seemed perfect until I make an enquiry and get sent upstairs to see the Boss aka “Mdosi”.

I’m a bit overwhelmed about the turn of events (but then I’m a skeptic). I walk into the “Mdosi’s” office, he stands up to greet me, offers me a chair, takes time to hear my story, empathizes and decides to follow up with my situation personally. That is what I was expecting (I’m also an optimist), but the reality is as follows:

Mdosi: What do you want Kijana, hmmm… hapa ni ofisi?

Me: I was sent to make an enquiry… (Interrupted mid speech, how rude)

Mdosi: By whom, hmmm!

Me: (I’m I being pranked, pauses to look around for pranksters) I’ve come from the banking hall, my account has been neglected for a very long time.

Mdosi: *Raises hand, with an open palm*

Me: *I reach and shake his hand*

Mdosi: KIJANA what are you doing, give me the account number, NKT! (Shaking his head in disbelief)

Me: Ohhh…! *Fumbling for paper with account details*

Mdosi: (Keys account number into system) Ehem, its good you have brought yourself… Do you know what I’m looking at, what do you have to say?

(thinking to myself): I’m young and I’m black and my jumper is written echo, Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don’t know, are you going to tell me or should I guess some more (Mic drops and he starts beat boxing)

99 problems but my account ain’t one (cover remix) by av ft Mdosi (Single coming to an imagination near you)

Me: Ehhh… is there a problem?

Mdosi: *Turns computer screen* your account hasn’t made payments for years.

Me: How is that even possible, I have statements from your institution to date?

Mdosi: Hehehe Kijana, this is very serious

At this stage, the conversation took a turn for the worst. I was in the rudest manner told the account will be shut down and all other manner of accusations. We went into a stare down battle, trying to determine who would back down first. We go at it for a couple of minutes when the “Mdosi” asks about my lifestyle- He seems very inquisitive about the kind of devices I use.

I thought this guy must be a very talented comedian, until he pulled out a paper and directed that I list out all the devices. I got up, turned and headed straight for the exit without a single word. This situation contrasted sharply with motivational artwork I designed, I wish I had left the “Mdosi” a copy of it for future reference. I walked out of the building in a state of anger and amusement, I pondered what had just happened. I discussed my predicament with various peeps, all had simple advice; keep your records up to date, to avoid tussles with the institution.

Fatumas Voice: Thought provoking art, science and dialogue.

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FYI: I’m neither affiliated to Fatuma’s Voice nor PAWA254

So… where to start, I attended the wrong event last week, how you ask? well its very simple, I didn’t look at the calendar, plus I was on cloud nine after trouble shooting a problem that had kept me in deep, deep, deep thought.

Its Sunday evening, I make my way towards PAWA254 (@pawa254) I somewhat get lost but eventually find my way to the venue. At this point Google Maps and I have become bffne’s (best friends forever and ever). Who is/are Fatuma’s Voice, IMHO an engaging forum for positive and inspirational dialogue. “Ohhh! Dang, maybe if I sit and act like the furniture none will notice my presence…” Tough luck, my inner voice beckons, you’re sitting on an orange chair and dressed in green.

There I was, hopelessly clueless to what was about to transpire. The theme of the day was “Addiction” cue the Nigerian piano sound (NB: I love my Nigerian brothers and sisters). Enter the articulate emcee Nuru Bahati (@NuruBahati), he narrates his life journey, shattering the chain of addiction and overcoming the addictions of his life.

At this juncture I was still in the gray, pondering… what comes next? (Well now I do sooo, read on? )

Susan Gitau, is an Addiction Counsellor. She doesn’t beat around the proverbial bush. Armed with an informative presentation on addiction in Kenya and psychological knowledge on addictive disorders, she was candid with the audience, revealing how the youth engaged in social experiments, using various drugs when they went out with friends. A question from the audience displayed this innocence/naivete of youth, “…If you use the drugs (while out with friends) once in a while does it make you an addict…” Ruminate on the questions and imagine that is your son/daughter or brother/sister, how would you reply? (Find Susan on linkedin.com )

I quickly scan the room, vacant seats are quickly being occupied, hands shoot up to ask questions, the emcee makes a selection from the audience and the speaker facilitates detailed and comprehensive responses.

The highlight of the night was a poetic narrative “Ilianza Na Kaselfie (Loosely translated It started with a selfie)” by David Ogot (@OgotDavid.) From his twitter profile he states “Recovering alcoholic fighting for rights of addicts by fighting stigma and for recognition and acceptance of alcoholism as a disease by telling my story” as he narrates his life journey, you feel his passion to assist addicts. Whilst educating the audience he states the “youth don’t die, its old people like me”. Wisdom flows from his mind into words like a refreshing glass of water on a hot day, I jot down the following gems of advice “You can’t solve a problem you haven’t defined” and “Addicts take hostages thus you need to understand how to help them in their tribulations.”


The session was filled with unique, one of a kind and talented presentations from various artists and poets.

Remarkable quotes from remarkable minds

“The worst addiction in life is being addicted to yourself” – Ben Tena,

“He broke her heart in pieces…ask that nurse who picked the last piece after 9 months” Nick Quach (@quach_nick),

“I am addicted to you kama Maasai na greener pastures” Paragraph (@ianslim1)

“I’m addicted to you the way a Luhya is addicted to tea.” Halisi The Band (@Halisi_The_Band), Paragraph (@ianslim1), Nick Olwa (@nickolwahnick).(During their collaborative performance, one of the band members was literally on fire),

“Mobiles limit your mind maybe that’s why they call it a cell phone” Jairus.

*The list isn’t the entire performances for the themed session*


One can’t describe the experience (ok I have described it though this post barely scratches on how interactive and unique it was), you have to attend and get a feel of what Fatuma’s Voice is all about.

PS: After the interactive session their was a brief introduction on Fatuma’s Voice and a short tour around PAWA254 (aka selfie moment), this concluded on the rooftop with a picturesque 360 view of Nairobi (another selfie moment), foosball, pool/snooker and a fish pond adding that extra ambiance to the social scene.

Check them out: www.fatumasvoice.org or attend their themed sessions.

Phantom of Delight

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Cover photo: The Phantom of the Opera.

I vaguely write but my fingers itched to relay what I was thinking, I switched on the computer, logged onto my blog, grabbed a soft drink and typed out my thoughts.

A few days ago I was on my usual routine exodus to the city center thinking of how a meeting would turn out, I was relaxed In B.I.G words “…I’m cool as a fan.” (The Notorious B.I.G – I Got A Story to Tell) I hop into a city shuttle parked at the bus stage, as I walk towards an empty seat I see a lady seated alone, I decide I will play it cool but partially trip and fumble into an empty seat nearby.

Her complexion was fair and light similar to caramel, her dark hair flowing onto her shoulders barely moving when the shuttle came to an abrupt stop; it was creepy but a “nice” creepy, she had on geeky spectacles rarely looking up, submerged into her own thoughts, dressed in a Retro-futuristic black top matching her black ballet shoes, burned orange pants matching her hand bag placed on her lap, she gently filled her nails unconscious to the surroundings and the world (the world being me).

How can I describe this lady, it was like having the right mix of milk and sugar in your tea (coffee), an exact spread of ketchup (sauce) with your fries, the perfect serving of mayonnaise on a burger, the perfectly toasted bread with unsalted butter spread on it. I’m a foodie and my initial thoughts when I saw her were about food.

The shuttle came to a halt. I watched this wonderful being stand up ready to disembark the shuttle, her gait slow and deliberate yet gracious with every step she took. I sat watching her walk away, transitioning into the bustling mesh of people in the city center; I realized she will remain a phantom of delight in my thoughts. 

She Was a Phantom of Delight – BY William Wordsworth

Late night thoughts

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I finally decided to put something in this blog after months… well years of procrastinating I know, I know, I should probably de-register this blog, ride into the sunset, eat two servings of fries, chicken wings, a bottomless coke, drink milk from the box(more like sufuria), put my head in the freezer and pretend I traveled to the north pole, petition for the US government to reintroduce the space program so that I can send all politicians to mars, Jupiter or anywhere in the galaxy(Coming soon: Humans are from earth, where are politicians from by yours truly), do a mental triathlon(start with solving math quizzes, puzzles, chess and finally the Rubik cube, not to figure out the combination of equations needed to get matching colors but to acquire one as a house decoration: you know first impression are really important) or just lazy around.

Although all the above sounds somewhat great and really tempting beyond any real reasoning, I will throw to you this cliché statement, been there and done it! well most of them still working on some but the result of all the above is a unusual mix between hunger, serious constipation, loss of memory and a serious migraine… please don’t try the above at home and if you choose to go against my sweet and scrumptious serving of warnings: I warned you. Here I sit listening to music, suggestions from Brill Mariddim, wondering whether I have a case of serious insomnia but it’s only a few minutes past 1.00 pm more like 1.30, contemplating writing a post talking about this post. Isn’t it weird how you have so much to say to yourself, if I became a mad scientist I would clone myself to talk to me and I would…?

Got a bit confused, this are late night thoughts. All those like me who find more stuff to do when everyone else is going to bed dreaming about their better half, even when they are nonexistent or yet to be born, welcome all and sundry and thank you for taking time to read snippets from my mind thus after waiting for years to start here is the first post, to your left you shall hopefully see filled with post, below you can comment and share my thoughts on Twitter, Facebook or LinkedIn. (Drum roll please) Ladies and Gentlemen this is Ammon writing I would like to welcome you to ammonvictor.wordpress.com, you will soon be reading at about 200 – 250 wpm. My expectations are that you will experience a really smooth read. Once again I thank you for choosing to read my blog and I hope you will enjoy.

Welcome to the mind of Ammon Victor

I can finally get rid of the hello world post